gym people.

A leathery botoxed, lycra-clad woman rasps at a class of (largely) perspiring pensioners. "Start with sun salutations, progress to tai chi ball series, child’s pose, up dog, down dog, three legged dog, baby cobra, warrior I followed by warrior II, try to push your belly button into your spine and don’t forget your universe breaths" UNIVERSE BREATHS?! I’m not a big gym class attendee and the first time I heard some of these instructions I nearly threw up my breakfast and choked, holding back laughter. While the stringy seventy year olds were breezing through the moves I was sweating and cursing at the pain the evil instructor was inflicting. Saying that, I have to admit I was a convert after the first class, arriving tight and muscle-bound, and leaving bouncy and spritely.


Relatively new to the gym scene (well this one) I have noticed a few things. What is with the mirrors? Other than to make sure you have correct technique I can see only 2 other uses. Checking yourself out, or discreetly perving at the hotty across the room. It appears patrons fall into 3 broad categories. Posers, Gym-holics and Gym-bunnies. Gym-holics spend so much time there, they are often mistaken for staff. Posers are usually trying to act on a New Years resolution and it usually doesn’t last very long. They are rarely seen sweating for fear of damage to their pristine make-up or matching tracksuit. Lastly, Gym-bunnies are usually found leaning on equipment, flirting with instructors or watching E! while pretending to cycle at snail speed.

Not sure where I fit in, I am mostly motivated to go and watch Sky TV on the cross-trainer because my flatmate dominates ours...but I'm not afraid to sweat!

C.K.